I just need to write all of these thoughts down so I don’t have them inside anymore. My Nana is getting worse. She hasn’t ate since December and doesn’t recognize food anymore. Her brain is starting to shut down. I know that it is best for her to die because she won’t have to be subjected to this horrible life ruining disease. She doesn’t find joy in things anymore, and it just hurts my mom more and more everyday to see her in this state. She didn’t recognize my mom for the first time a few days ago and it was heartbreaking for her I’m sure, I can remember the first time my Aunt Dorinda didn’t remember me. I remember just being flooded with sadness. It literally felt like a tidal wave had just consumed my body and all I wanted to do was cry, and that was probably like seven years ago.I just feel so bad for my mom because she’s dealt with so much death in her life, and she has dealt with it amazingly and to the best of her abilities. She told my dad she wants Nana to come home before she dies. She doesn’t want her to die in a hospital alone. Which I can understand. It is going to be hard though, super hard. I just don’t know how much of seeing her like that I can take though. Coming home everyday wondering will today be the day isn’t how I want to live. I just hate death. It brings back all the pain of the loved ones I’ve already lost. I still don’t have closure about a lot of it. I just don’t deal with my emotions I suppress them better than anyone I know. blahh.